Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Letter 14

Dear Clank
So this is the last night of 2013, I can't say I will be sad to see it go. In the scheme of things this has been an horrific year for me. I know, I know, you would tell me there is always someone worse off than me and I am sure you would be correct, but losing you has been horrific for me, your family and your friends.

I haven't made any new years resolutions, I never keep them anyway, but I hope for us, we, your family and I can start to come to terms better with your absence. I have let a lot of things slide since you went and I know that that is something you would hate to see. I promise, after tonight, I will try very hard to get on with living my life to the full, something you always did.

I have Kai here with me tonight. He has been naughty and Christine is struggling to cope. It is easier to just bring him here as on the whole he doesn't behave that way with me. It's sad that he will start the new year away from his family. I guess we will have to talk as I don't want this to be the shape of things to come.

Anyway my lovely, time to go. I plan on having a big fat drink tonight in your memory. Love and miss you always.
Lots of love

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Letter 13

Dear Clank
Were your ears burning today? I took Christine to go and see her Dad. I dropped her off first so she could have some time with him and her brothers and then took the kids over the forest. Kai took her to the door then came back to the car. As he did up his seat belt he said : Nan you wouldn't fancy him anymore. He is bald with a big fat belly. I had to laugh, out of the mouths of babes eh? He asked about you so I told him what had happened. I told him, you are more of a sister to me than my sister and I think about and miss you a lot. He isn't well himself, it is quite sad really. He is clean and tidy but the house has 4 men living in it so it isn't the cleanest place on earth, due to his ill health he can't do much and it is a shame to see him like that. He liked a clean house and I am sure he was doing it before. He has COPD, it is not nice to see, this is why I must get back on the electronic fags. Kai really loved Alex, Alex took him upstairs and was playing computer games with him, he also gave Kai 4 games.

So Christmas is upon us, your favorite time of year. This is the time that your family will think of you most. Lise is coming to stay with your Mum on Monday, they are saying nothing about Paul, so I can't tell you what is happening to him yet. I told your Mum I will call her on Christmas eve and speak to Lise then Christmas day I will leave them to console each other.

I have 2 weeks off of work, I have been counting the days since I came back from Wales 7 weeks ago. A very nice colleague left on Friday, they have treated her so badly and I fear it is the shape of things to come. 2 of the senior managers are leaving next year and they still haven't replaced Eddie. It is getting beyond a joke. I am just holding on till I am 55 then every year after that I am going to apply for VR. They will have to pay me my pension and although it won't be a lot, it will be a safety net which will allow me to work part time. I know I will not be able to do another 11 years there, it will drive me insane (that's normal for me, I hear you say)

I ordered a chocolate hamper from Thorntons last week. It was a £100 reduced to £50, but it didn't arrive, so I emailed  them. They called yesterday and said it was out for delivery on the 14th and the courier company would assume it was lost so have sent me out another of a higher value along with a complimentary box of chocolates. It is supposed to be here on Christmas eve, I sure hope so. But a result eh?

Anyway my lovely, I have to go, all I can do is wish you a happy Christmas wherever you are. I want you for Christmas, here and healthy but that won't happen I know. Love you lots and miss you, I think about you at least once a day.

Lots ofg Love
Me xxx
P.S They have built an extension on one of the houses at the back. My god, it was supposed to be a loft extension with a dormer, what he has done is remove the roof and put a chalet on the top of it, it is an eyesore and I have complained to the council. I truely hope they make him pull it down.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Letter 12

Dear Clank
So Christmas is approaching. Traditionally you were the first present I always bought, not for any reason other than you had a wish list that I could choose from which made it very easy. Now the heart break has really taken a grip.

I decided to look Mark Morgan up the other day and was shocked to discover that he too had died. A year ago. I don't recall you saying anything, I do wonder if you knew because surely that is something you would have mentioned. I just could not believe it and although I didn't know him, it really gave me a shock, I so hope he is up there looking out for you going to a rave or two.
Last weekend was very bad for me, I spent most of it crying somewhere where people wouldn't see me. I couldn't call your Mum because she is going through her own heartbreak. I did think that things would start to get better but instead they feel worse, we were supposed to grow old together. Time is passing and it is starting to depress me.

I went to see Depeche Mode the other evening, they were surprisingly good. The audience was full of people in my age group, some blokes with comb overs and it did make me smile. I saw that Elbow would be playing there in April so I did something brave and bought a ticket just for me. Hopefully I will have someone nice to sit next to. So long as they are not smelly I don't mind.

Well some significant news for you. I have given up smoking tobacco. I have been on electronic cigarettes for the last month now and am doing really well. I have smoked 2 cigarettes in all that time, I have really surprised myself. Do I feel any better? No actually, not health wise, but certainly pleased that I have stopped as I never thought I would be able to, so in that way, I do feel really good, but not smug. I don't care if people smoke around me and I will certainly never gloat evangelise like a certain person we know. Who, incidently seems to have dropped off the face of the earth where your mother is concerned, obviously no glory in that eh?

This post has been on draft for a long time so a quick catch up. I took your bauble over the cemetery yesterday. Oh god that was so very very hard. There were other people putting things on the 3 trees that they have there and I had to find a tree with no-one around it. As I placed your bauble on, the tears came thick and fast. It took me back to the night you were dying and your Mum was telling me how much you appreciated me putting a bauble on for your Dad every year and it dawned on me that I would be doing it for you this year too. At the time I wanted to scream and cry but had to hold myself in check as I knew you would be able to hear me. No such thing yesterday my lovely friend. I walked back to the car and had to sit until I could stop crying and see what I was doing. My Dad sat quietly beside me. I never thought I could feel so heartbroken and still be able to breathe. I spoke to your Mum after, I cried on the phone to her. Her with her own heartbreak and me crying down the phone. Putting that bauble on that tree feels so wrong and rotten.

Anyway Clank, time I got my bum in gear. The kitchen looks like a bomb has dropped in it. I am taking Christine to see her Dad next week. I will write and let you know how that goes. Love and miss you especially lots.
Lots of love
Me xxxxx

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Letter 11

Dear Clank
I went to a surprise 80th birthday party the other week in Plumstead. I drove over as I was taking Christine and she isn't doing public transport at the moment. That side of the river has changed a lot, and we had a fantastic night. On the way home I decided to go via Griffin road. That brought out a turmoil of emotions. I stopped at the church that was on the corner along from Barbara's old house and thought about all the weekends we had walked that road to go and see Barbara and then back again to catch the bus to Woolwich.
I told Christine about the night we met Steve Steadman and Dave Cammack on the way to the ferry. She doesn't really know much about that and I explained that Woolwich on a Saturday was a hot place to pull and that most of the blokes we met were all good clean fun. Young men who had just joined the army who were probably home sick and wondering what they had let themselves in for. That group of blokes went past asking for our chips and we gave them the brush off, then when they were almost at the end of the road Barbara screamed at the top of her lungs:' OYE Want a chip?'  and about 20 blokes did an about turn and ran back up the road towards us. LOL. I think at one point we had about 2 blokes on each arm and then they whittled down to just Dave and Steve.

It is still hard but I am coming to terms with you not being here, but not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I had a dream about you the other night, I was holding your hand and promising that I would look out for your Mum and kids, and I do as best as I can. Not being close physically doesn't help, but I am going to make the effort to go to see your Mum before Christmas and spend a bit of quality time with her. She is struggling with Paul not getting any money and the thought that he may be going to Norway after Christmas. The doctor is worried about her heart, it is beating too fast, but any fool can see that it is just plain broken.

I was talking to an old colleague the other day and I told her that you had died, she reminded me of a conversation we had in the office once when I was telling Christine that you were the only person who knew me like I know myself. I don't like being the only person who knows me truely for who I am.

Dad is being awkward, he made me laugh the other day, I asked if he had heard from the insurance company about when they were likely to sort out the subsidence, I asked him about a form he had been sent and whether he had filled it in and returned it. I got this sheepish look so I said: ' Oh silly me, fancy forgetting that if you ignore the form, the cracks will just mend themselves.' He appreciates sarcasm. I got the form, read it, filled it in them made him write a cheque for the excess, which he said he didn't know how much it was, but I told him it was on his policy. So now we wait, I am hoping they will tell him the kitchen needs to be gutted. Oh how I want them to destroy that awful kitchen.............

The weather has turned. We have had such a beautiful summer, you would have loved it. health allowing, you would have been able to spend a lot of time outside. I am gutted that you missed it. Now winter and the dark evenings draw upon us and it's time to get my winter woolies out of the wardrobe.

Anyway my lovely, time for me to go and get on with the dinner. I miss you dear friend and sometimes I wish I had a magic wand to bring you back and make it all better. How popular would I be if I could?!!

Lots Of Love
Me xx
P.S I have had an awful virus, been off work for 4 days, but it is back to the grind tomorrow.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Letter 10

Dear Clank
It's been a long time since I have written you a letter. I am really struggling to get my head around the fact that I will no longer see or hear you again.

I have just come back from Wales which was the last place I saw you looking fit and healthy. When I walked into the place I cried and spoke to you. It was a very happy day as I remember, we laid out a buffet and had a good old gossip, while the dogs ran around outside. I stood in the kitchen this time and remembered that day in detail and then I smelt cigarette smoke and thought, oh dear the previous people have been smoking in here. I went up to the bathroom and smelt smoke up there too, then Sue and Paul arrived and Paul smelt cigarette smoke. When Annette came over to say hello, I asked her about the previous guests and asked if they had been smoking in the barn and she said, no, they weren't smokers. Later on we got to talking about you and Annette asked me if you smoked, she suggested that maybe you had come to visit. I really hoped you had.

It wasn't a bad holiday, the weather was really lovely. On your birthday I drove over to the Elan Valley and released a balloon, a big red, shiny heart. We had dire warnings from the balloon police, sometimes I wish Susan would keep her mouth shut, she would only need to know if it would be inflated the next day, but no, she gave all the details so the balloon police told us we would not be able to release the balloon because it was 'illegal'. Well bollox to that, off we went and up it went then got blown sideways. I hope you saw it.

Then I had to go over to Crewe. I have found that it has really unsettled me. Christine put her finger on it straight away. All the time I am in London I can still think of you as being in Crewe, but when I am in Crewe I have to face the fact that you are gone. No trips to the Shroppie fly, Snugbury's or Cheerbrooks. No little inpromptu visits or Chinese takeaways. Little legs gave me the letters you kept that I sent while you were in hospital, that was very emotional for me, knowing that you kept them. She also gave me back the bracelet I bought you. It needs a good clean but I am so grateful for those things, I have put them in a treasure box. I also saw the most beautiful rainbow on my way over. I saw through it as I drove along the road. I heard knocking during the night, then last night I had a lovely dream about Kroppen. He gave me a huge hug and I would like to think these are all signs that you are still with me. I miss you so much dear friend, sometimes I just can't see the way forward. You were the only person who knew me like I know myself and it hurts to know that no one will ever be able to do that again.

Lots of Love

Friday, 28 June 2013

Letter 9

Dear Clank

I have just had a nice weekend with Gill. I love her house, tucked away in a little hamlet and the view from the conservatory across the garden and fields beyond is fantastic, I will definitely be going back there again. She wasn't very well over the weekend, but she slept and it gave me a bit of time to chill and relax. I left hers at about 11am yesterday as it was her birthday and I thought it would be nice for her to have some time with her family. We went to a marina open day on Saturday, OMG it was so quiet, there was hardly anyone there and no nice boats for sale.

I was looking at Google earth the other day and decided to look at Konnerud. The first place I saw was Poppegardsveien. That was the first place I ever visited you in Norway. What a gorgeous house it was. Until then I had never realised just how big Norwegian houses were. The landing was as large as my whole flat!! The kids were little and you had that lovely big balcony from your bedroom and around the living room. I got into polishing your table with that bees wax polish. We used to take Cinders out walking with us. Remember how she used to go off and forage in the forest and then come out and meow when she couldn't see us? Then you would call her and she would come trotting up the road after us. She has those lovely little grey kittens with the ginger patches. I loved it there. I zoomed in on Google earth and tried to find the house and after a while there it was. It looks so different from how I remember it, much more built up. The forest that was up the road has definitely gone. Happy days.................................

I am leaning towards selling the house more and more. I just do not want the responsibility of owning it anymore. A part of me is holding back, but I have no idea what is happening here at work and I just feel the need to move on and use my money for something else. I think if we are outsourced or made redundant, I will definitely put it on the market and look to go temping. I have learned over the years the more you are shit at your job, the more you are liked for it.

I have been a bit of a social butterfly this week, I was out with Ruth Wednesday and Tina Thursday. Both of those friends I met in Turkey. You know I don't take to people easily, but they have been friends for the last 15 years. I am off out tonight with Linda, who came on the boat with us last time? She has taken retirement and has just lost her step daughter to cancer. We'll go for an Indian I suppose.

Spoke to Mumsey yesterday, she was stressing about social services coming and on the morning of the appointment they cancelled. She had too many appointments apparently. I don't think Paul will be going to Norway any time soon. It is good to have a chat with her and she said that her neighbour Ivy came over and that they spent the afternoon together. I am really happy she has done that.

Anyway, that's it for today. I will write to you soon.
Lots of Love
Me xxx

P.S I have really missed you this week. I am starting to feel the strain now. Love ya

Friday, 21 June 2013

Letter 8

Dear Clank

Well thank god it's Friday, I noticed the other day, coming into work, that I am on autopilot. The weeks fly by, I mean it's July in a few weeks time and then after that, clearing starts all over again. Things are not looking good here, I can tell you that. Admissions are down, the calls are down. Switchboard is always the first to notice. I have a sneaking suspicion that we are being looked at as a means of outsourcing. Fuck 'em I say. We also generate some income so they won't be saving as much as they think they will. Still no-one has approached us about Eddies job. They intend to replace him but if that's the case they better start advertisng soon as neither Steve nor I intend to take on any of his work. Make a mug of me once, shame on them. Make a mug of me twice, shame on me.

The other good thing about Friday, is it is takeaway night. I love being able to get home and just order something on the phone and then chill, although tonight, I will be doing a bit of housework as I will be at Gills tomorrow until Sunday. Someone else to do the cooking, lovely, I hope she can cook!!

Spoke to Mumsey last night. She said she will never go along Victoria avenue again. Like me, you loved driving through the tunnel of trees in the summer. I must admit, the thought of going back to the house does make my stomach feel a bit wobbly, I will have to one day though, if I sell it I will need to clear out the shed and get my stuff from storage. I have such lovely memories of going home at weekends and driving off somewhere with you. Snugbury's, Bunbury, Cheerbrooks, Chester. Do you remember the night when your Mum was living with you and we went out for a Chinese. You were so desperate for some time away from your Mum that we drove almost to Wrexham and pulled over in a layby and just sat in the dark smoking a fag. Then drove over to Bunbury and giggled in the dark about the time I got my wing mirror 'knocked off'. Mmmmmm where was it we drove when I hired that car? Somewhere in Wales, the destination
escapes me. I remember being stuck in traffic on the way back and skidding on that tiny oil patch. Good job we were only going slowly. For some reason, I also remember us going to Snugburys and you getting really arsey with the girl because you couldn't have a double scoop on on of their little cones. LOL

I feel ok most of the time, then a little comment or something brings me back to reality. The human psyche really does a lot to protect itself doesn't it? Most of the time is spent in denial. I was talking to another friend about it. She thinks that the distance (in miles) has a lot to do with it. Her brother was living in New Zealand when he died, she says most of the time she feels great, then a little thing will start her off.

I am worried about my Dad. He looked almost comatosed last night. He hardly touched his food. I sat there thinking, please please please don't you die on me as well. I really do think that would be the final straw. I can see him get older and older in his ways, and he seems to have really gone down hill this last year. I am forever asking him if he is alright and just he says: yes yes, I am fine.

Anyway my dear, it's time I got on with some stuff. I will write after I get back from Gills.
Lots of Love
Me xxx

P.S I don't think Shaun will be there. N N W W. LOL

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Letter 7

Dear Clank
So what has been happening in this part of blighty? I had a hospital appointment yesterday, when I got my eyes tested the optician found some inflamation in the back of my eye and the pressure was high. So off I went to Moorfields in Mile End hospital. They gave it a thorough check, the pressure is fine (It usually is, those puffer tests are very inaccurate) but they found that the inflamation was due to toxoplasmosis. Apparently my Mum got infected during pregnancy, I have read up about it and it must have been late pregnancy. The scarring was at the side of my eye, so I was lucky as usually it scars the retina and leads to blindness, also it can cause brain damage in a foetus. Bathbun did say  I have brain damage. Er thanks for that Dad. anyway the infection is dormant and he thinks it's highly unlikely to reactivate so it is all o.k. The weird thing is, is that all the operations I have  had on my eyes as a kid and an adult, all the eye exams I have had since wearing glasses and it has taken 53 years before anyone discovered it!

I got talking to this woman on the 'I'm from E15' group she is married to Mick, it turns out I worked with her at my first job in Midland Bank. She doesn't remember me as she said she had a breakdown and doesn't remember many peoples names and to be honest I didn't work there for very long. I left there to go to Watts Fincham. I thought: I must tell Sharon, and then realised I couldn't. I hate those moments.............
I have booked a narrowboat holiday for us (The kids and myself) for autumn term 2014!! Chris has finally agreed to go back on a boat and if she is still not well, it won't really matter as she can sit quietly with me while the kids help P with the locks and stuff. I am really excited about taking them on a boat, I hope they love it as much as I do, they will have to get used to it, because, one day I will have one of my own. It will mean going along the Trent and Mersey again, but there are 3 routes I can take off of there for a bit of variety.

I am off to Gills on Saturday for her birthday, I think it will just be us and Alex. I am looking forward to some nice quite time in a nice quiet place where I can chill out for a little bit and either think thing through thoroughly or just blob. I am so tired these days. Putting on the beef hasn't helped. What am I like? But I love eating. I suppose I should get out of that habit of taking it off and putting it on, but after my weekend.

I haven't heard from Jo and Billy. I was having a 'moment' after you died and started telling Billy about the time we went over to Wanstead flats fair. As usual it rained and rained and it was a bloody mud bath and you got your foot stuck in the mud and after finally yanking it out, it came minus your shoe. So off came the other shoe and there was you squelching about with your shoes in your hand in just your tights!! People were staring at you, but we all thought it was hilarious!! Then you came to this big puddle and because you were making everyone laugh you pretended you felt hot and that you were going to sit in the puddle. You almost did too, but you were only teasing. Those days we had no worries. Sometimes I wish I could go back there. There is a great sadness when I think how care free we were then compared to now and how life just whizzes by. It feels weird that young people look at me and think 'Granny' just like we used to. LOL. 40 was ancient and now I wish I were only 40!!

I don't know what to do about the house. I am getting fed up with the responsibility. I keep saying I will wait until this or that but everytime the agent calls my heart comes up in my mouth and I think :Oh no, what now. I am never going to live in it again so I may as well get rid of it, then I think about the tenants but I don't owe them anything. I may have to pay the council tax as I don't want to end up paying loads of tax on it. I have to make a decision soon or the window of opportunity may go.

Anyway bored you enough I suppose. I will speak to you soon.
All my Love
Me xxx

P,S Nothing P.S worthy today......... Sorry

Monday, 17 June 2013

Letter 6

Dear Clank

It has been a horrible weekend. I spoke to Mumsey on Friday and she said the keys to the house had been handed back and then she said : There is no more 64 Fairburn Avenue. That was all she said. On Saturday, I woke with a horrible lump in the pit of my stomach, all day I kept thinking, that's it, all done, all gone. I kept looking at your picture thinking yep she really isn't here anymore and I spent a lot of the day crying. It was a bit awkward as I met my friend Paul for breakfast and kept having to drag myself back to his conversation and make the appropriate responses. I really needed to find a place I could sit and sob my heart out but that never happened. June came back from Spain on the Friday as well and she commented about the toadstool being gone so I guess she is feeling it too.

I called Mumsey yesterday, it was her birthday, she didn't want to celebrate it and I can understand that, but I had to wish her a happy birthday I couldn't just let it pass. I had a lovely text from LM telling me she was ok and she appreciated me calling her Nan. You mum has been a big part of my life too so I can hardly let her get on with it. I know that if the boot was on the other foot, you would be doing the same.

These letters remind me of the time you were suffering from depression. I didn't get a reply from you for months but I kept plodding on telling you you could ignore me all you wanted but I was still going to write. Eventally you replied and poured your heart out and took some of my phone calls. You needed time to think and eventually you got there. This time there will be no reply, I know that, but it helps to get things down.

There are some things I would love to tell you, but here is too public. I don't have a problem with saying what I think, but there are times when it is best to just keep my gob shut. I guess you know what ails me anyway. Someone sent me a request from your facebook last week, it was asking to be tagged into the photo we took when you came to see us on the boat last year. Lise says it wasn't her, LM says it wasn't her so now that only leaves R and he says it wasn't him either. I also got an email from you entitled: Greetings. Mmmm I thought, Sharon is trying to contact me from the great beyond, and as much as I would like to think so, I am afraid it is a case of you being just too slapdash with who you gave your passwords to!!

Anyway bird, I have to go. I will write soon
Lots of Love
Me xx

P.S I have 2 weeks on a narrowboat next year, Christine has decided I can take the kids. I will tell you more in my next ketter

Friday, 14 June 2013

Letter 5

Dear Clank
I decided to change the blog a bit yesterday, a nice rich red colour, one of your favorites. I hope you like it, I prefer this to the other template, it has character, a lot like you. :-)

I am very stressed today, one of the staff in here whines like a baby. Over the last few days she has been whining about the UPS making a noise. Quite honestly it is no louder than the last one, but she has been under the cosh at home so it manifests as whinging at her colleagues. I couldn't stand it anymore this morning, so found Elbow on Youtube and am playing that with the door closed. I have decided the fucking UPS is coming in my office and then once it has, I am going to go to her desk every morning and whine in her ear until her eyes bleed! :-)

Lise can't find the necklace she got you from Tiddy. I feel sad for her as I am sure you would have taken very good care of that. As the house is cleared out now I am hoping she will come across it in your belongings that have been kept. Mumsey said LM isn't well, she has a cold or something, poor thing had to go back to work this week the last thing she needs is sick time on top of the other time she has had to take off. I bet Tesco were less than generous with pay and time off, she was in pain with a wisdom tooth on the week of your funeral too. She is going through the wars. I hope she can have a bit of chill out time soon as I think she is going to need it. I am sure Jo, Billy and Mumsey will keep an eye out for her and her boyfriend seems nice. A quiet lad who looks a bit like Daniel Radcliffe!! . Lise is going back to Norway on Friday. That will make all this final and I may have to examine closely that box in my head.

I am going out with Ginge tonight, haven't caught up with her since I went to her house in Christchurch, she is the one person I can have a blast with and make me break my usual no drinking preference! I just love getting pissed with her, she is so hilarious. She was the Yorkshire lass at my Mums funeral. She is very down to earth, not your usual new money type. She once asked me to look out for a stopper for a hot water bottle, later that evening her partner was telling me that he considered themselves quite affluent and didn't have the money contraints most mere mortals have. My response was: Really how come Ginge wants me to find a new hot water bottle stopper instead of just buying a new hot water bottle? We pissed ourselves laughing at that one, material things don't do it for me, but Gary was only joking anyway. Ginge wasn't!! LOL

Well that's me done for today. I will write soon.
Lots of Love
Me xx

P.S UPS= Uninterupped Power Supply in case you were curious. :-)

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Letter 4

Dear Clank
I remember our first boating holiday. Beautiful day U2 always conjours it up when I hear it. It was a fantastic week, even though it was the end of October, you brought the sun out and with you steering and me locking, we had a gentle meandre along the Shropshire Union to Chester where we met Andy for the day (And broke Rawhides heart). I have to laugh about the 2 British Waterways guys who were too frightened to offer me a hand at the lock in case we were aggesive lesbians. LOL. Silly buggers. I had a weird experience at one of the locks one morning, where I was positive someone was standing close to me. I checked that it wasn't the hood on my jacket and then quietly said : I know you are there, but you are crowding me and then I felt this rush of excitement as if someone was really happy I knew they were there. I have no idea what happened, as I don't consider myself in anyway psychic, but it was reminiscent of the time as teenagers I felt someone walking behind me and as a joke you stepped behind me and someone/thing shoved you out of the way. I remembered that when we got to Chester, you had a sudden pain in your lower back that laid you flat for an hour and were unable to come food shopping with me, that I think was the start of your illness, but it was at least 6 months after that, that it became life threatening. We both loved that holiday, it was the first one we had taken together since you lived in Norway. You had to go off for the Thursday night for a court appearance the following day, but you did come back to help me get the boat back to the marina. The next boating holiday you came on you were quite ill with a line infection and didn't realise, you didn't enjoy that one at all and neither did we. The boat was well horrible and unloved by then.

I was in a meeting this morning, the benefit of that means the rest of the day goes quickly, which makes me happy. I would like to say it was an interesting meeting, but although it gave me some pointers, the rest was psychobabble. There seems to be a process for everything these days and it would seem talking to people is one, what happened to good old fashioned: Oye you, that was a shite job?!!! Hahahahahaha.

Phoned Mumsey this afternoon, we had a good old chin wag and a laugh, although I know that it is on the surface with her at the moment, she is trying to stop herself from sinking and it must be hard. I have lost a brilliant long time friend and she has lost a child. Anyone who hasn't, couldn't possibly know how that feels. She told me the whole house has been cleared now and that she doesn't want to go and see it. Lise is cleaning up the floors today. I take my hat off to Lise, I couldn't go in that house and see it like that, empty and cold. Lise is going back to Norway on Friday, she misses Tiddy. I hope she will be alright once she is home, but Svend will be there for her.

Bloody flaming June is turning into a wash out. We were promised such a wonderful weekend and now the weather is overcast and quite windy. I need to get over to Epping on Sunday to pick up some more veg growning soil. My potatoes have sprouted right out of the top of the bags now, I need to soil them up so I can get more of a crop.

I am meeting my friend Paul for breakfast on Saturday, strangely, he comes from Shavington, he does the same job as me at UEL. He is so camp, you would love him, he really jollies me up when we meet for breakfast. He just loves going shopping, and he is awful as he is always encouraging me to buy more shoes. 'Oh look' he goes ' there is office, shall we go and look at the shoes?' A man after my own heart. LOL

Anyway girlie, time to get a move on and do a bit more around here. Write soon.
All my love
Me xxx

P.S I do love a good P.S don't you? Sadly there is no extra gossip in this one.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Letter 3

Dear Clank
I had the pleasure of  Kai and Sians company on Saturday night after the barby. Sian is such a little madam, she wanted me to go to bed with them and give her a cuddle, but instead of saying that, she just went into hysterics over the dead hamster. In the end, once I told her I knew all she wanted was a cuddle she gave me one of her evil looks and cuddled up to me. After that I didn't hear a peep all night until some ungodly hour of 7am on Sunday morning. I got into bed with them and miracle of miracles, they let me sleep until 9.30. I woke with such an horrendous head ache, I fed them, took some pills and slept for a bit longer on the sofa. I took them home about 5pm. On the way home Sian said from the back of the car: No-one ever thinks about me, so I said: Actually you are right, I never think about you or Kai and then when you come in the door I think OMG I have grandchildren!! That made her smile.

Dad, it getting noticably doddery, he seems confused with the simplest of things and sits down all day. I know his legs are playing him up, but he doesn't do much at all during the day. I have noticed he has started to make excuses to not go out. He sleeps in most mornings too. I hate leaving the house until I have seen him. Just in case, you know.

I have an invite to go to Gills for the weekend, it was nice speaking about our childhood. It's her birthday so we are going to celebrate it. Looking at the photo's it looks nice and secluded and quiet where she lives. She is struggling financially, but she is hanging on in there. She'll make it.

I got a message from Steve C on facebook, he was asking if I remembered Debbie H, he asked in such a way, I thought he was going to tell me he knew where she was. I told him about the time she tried to avoid talking to me at the garden centre. She was very dark that girl, I often wonder what happened to her or if she is still alive even. Such a screwed up girl, I believe you were right once when you told me something wasn't right in that family. I hope she has sorted out her head and is living a nice life somewhere in Surrey.

Work is pissing me off. My other boss has taken VR now and leaves at the end of July. Slowly slowly the work is finding it's way on my desk. To add insult to injury, I got my HERA scoring today, what a joke, they have hardly taken anything into account. No-one has even asked if I am happy to take on some of the work, nor will they. After taking on 1 grade 7 managers job and getting sweet F.A for it I have no intentiuon of taking on anothers and they can haul me up to HR if they want.

You not being here, really concentrates the mind. I was thinking about that Horizon programme you did about your photographic memory when you were a teenager. Then after it was shown, those girls from another higher class came asking you questions. I hated that girl, she tried to bully me from the moment I entered that school, it was only Carol P's sister pulling her aside and telling her to pick on someone else that her and her mate finally left me alone. I remember once asking you to project Gerry Shephard next to me, fat lot of good it did me cos you were the only one who could see it. LOL!!

Mumsey seems to be ok at the moment. She said that a lot of your stuff got sold at the boot sale and the girls gave her the money. It makes me wonder why we keep stuff if all it ends up as is boot sale stock. All those things we think we treasure, sold for 50p. Your house has to be cleared and it has to go somewhere, it makes me feel sad, because I know I will have to do that at my Dads house, and one day, someone will have to clear out my life out too. Ingy has let me have the bracelet I bought you with the beads on it. I will wear it along side mine. I remember you getting the hump, you couldn't wear it because nit wit here forgot about all the weight you had lost and bought you a long one! Duh

I think about you every day. I tell you every morning: Love ya mate. And I do, you were like a sister to me. At your bedside I was telling the girls the story of your Mum getting a grilling from the lady at the holiday camp about giving birth to twins. I hoped you could hear because I wanted you to hear funny things and not be scared. I think when Lise and I first came in you could hear us. You turned towards the talking and I came and stroked your head. Then when your family were talking to the doctor the nurse came and gave you a sedative you remained still while I was there then. The girls said you opened your eyes at the last moment and cried, I guess you were heartbroken at leaving them too, I am glad I had left before then. Just like you used to cry when I cried, I would have done the same and I needed to be strong for them.

Anyway, look at me getting all maudling. On a more cheerful note, it's your Mums birthday on Sunday, she says she doesn't want to celebrate but I will send her a card, Mummy Enstein. Better not put that in it or she will kill me

I managed to clear some of the garden at the weekend, all I need to do is get a rubbish clearance company in now to get rid of all the broken pots. They can go in the coal bunker, there must be some humungous spiders in there and there is no way I am putting my hand in. Petrus offered so I might take him up on it and get the clearance organised.

Well my lovely, time to sign off. I will write again soon.
All my Love
Me xxx

P.S I really fancy a Belgium bun from Gregs, but I am beginning to look like one so I must resist.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Letter 2

Dear Clank.
It's Saturday, of all the days I can lay in bed what happens? I am wide awake before my alarm would have gone off and raring to get going. I bought the kids a paddling pool yesterday so I decided I was going to blow it up and fill it with water. OMG, I finally took it from the Argos bag and it was the size of an Olympic pool. Truely you would have pissed yourself laughing. It took all my strength just to pull it out of the box, and when I did it was the length of the back living room. Blow it up? Er I don't think so, I know I can be full of hot air at times,  but there was no way I could have done it. I had gone and bought a family swimming centre. 6ft long, 3 ft wide and 4 foot deep!! Duh. Plan B was a quick hike to Morrisons for a more modest one, I also bought a pump for the large one and put an emergency call out on Facebook. Someone is collecting it on Monday.

I have discovered Spotify. I was playing Angel Face by the Glitterband and telling Kai and Sian about the time we trekked all over the place trying to buy a copy. It was boiling hot and every place we went to said they didn't have it. eventually we went to Keddies and the snotty cow told us it wasn't being released until the following week. God that shop was somethinge else wasn't it? It was always like walking into a jumble sale, no one ever kept the clothes tidy. I don't know where we got it in the end, but it got played continuiously, I know that.

I have the kids staying tonight, we had a barby today, it was supposed to be a hot day, but turned out mediocre. Sian decided she didn't want to go in the pool, she didn't like the flys that kept going in it. Teeny flies invisible to the naked eye. All in all the whole paddling pool thing turned into a bit of a wash out, although I did manage to clear an area of the garden that has been looking like a tip forever! I have left a wild bit up the top, the bees like the green Alkanet and we need the bees.

Well, this is a short but sweet one today, the bedroom is looking like a Chinese laundry and the kids have got to get into the bed somehow. LOL.

I will write again soon.
Lots of love
Me xx

P.S I just thought about the humanist guy who conducted your funeral, he said you were a great cook and I thought about the time you were making cottage pie and had to use instant mash because you had run out of potatoes. You made it too runny and slopped it on my plate where I slopped it straight into the bin. I did smile, you didn't come up to scratch that day. Hahahahahahaha

Friday, 7 June 2013

Letter 1

Dear Clank
Well as I can no longer send you letters, I thought I would write to you this way. Over the years we have exchanged a lot of letters, but I am writing these in the hope that, somewhere in the upper atmosphere, they will float past and you will get to read them.

I start this letter with some terribly sad news, last week I went to a funeral. As funerals go, it wasn't too bad a send off, but  seeing that coffin go past in the hearse, I couldn't quite bring myself to look. You were in it and it just didn't make any sense. Yes I knew you had been ill for quite sometime, I had even spoken to you a few hours before you travelled on to the great beyond, but there was this wooden box and you, my, friend were resting in it. From what I remember, the flowers were really beautiful but the coffin going past didn't really compute. Your friend Ragnhild was there. I hugged her as she stepped out of the car and couldn't let go, the last time I had seen her was when we visited her at her house in Norway. Eventually I had to force myself into the chapel. I sat and held Ragnhilds hand, to comfort her and myself.

You know, I don't think I ever heard you play Jim Croce. time in a bottle. Gill Robb and Shaun Briggs were there, Gill said you used to play it a lot when you were kids. Sometimes Clank you are a dark horse. Obviously I knew you liked Enigma, so return to innocence was no big surprise, nor was the Norwegian song, the title I can't pronouce, let alone sing. I must confess, I wasn't keen on that one. It was one of those times when we would have to agree to disagree.

As the curtain closed, the humanist guy who conducted your service, said 'now we must say goodbye to Sharon' well I am sorry, I made a complete tit of myself and sobbed into Ragnhilds shoulder, telling her I didn't want to. I then listened to 'I love to boogie' by T-Rex. Now that song really was your thing, but it couldn't so much as raise a toe wiggle. I was not going to say goodbye, no way. So I walked out into the bright sunshine and put you in a little box at the back of my mind.

Samm was outside, I gave her a hug, no point in holding a grudge, it was about you and she did look really sad. we had a little chat then went and waited on the grass. The undertaker handed us all a balloon each and at the count of 3 we let go simultaneously.

Those balloons soared higher and higher up into the beautiful blue sky. I stood transfixed for ages watching them go up and up and up, a plane passed them and still we could see them. They floated as one, it was an amazing thing to see.

We went to the Rising sun after, it was gorgeous sitting outside in the sun. I don't really remember much, I do know that when the time came for Jo and Billy to leave I felt this great sadness that I probably wouldn't see them again for a long time if ever. I did invite them to London though and promised that if ever I am in the area in a boat I would give them a call to come along for the day. I slipped some money in an envelope into your mums bag to help the girls out a bit, the housing association want rent for a month!! Bastards! I told your Mum when she told me off the next day, it's only what you would have done for me if you could.

I went to the house on Saturday morning to see Lise and Ragnhild. It felt strange being in your house without you there. Lise had been cleaning, so the kitchen didn't have that lived in look, just for a moment, you popped out of that box in my head, and I felt this horrendous bolt in the pit of my stomach as I realised, after that day, I would never set foot in the house again. I hugged Lise,  it felt like I was saying goodbye to her too, I told her to keep in touch with me as I had watched her grow up and she felt like family to me. When I left the house, she and Ragnhild cried, I had to pull the car over a little further on so that I could cry too.

I went to see Mumsey, Paul and LM. LM was with her boyfriend, she actually allowed me to give her a hug. wonders will never cease. :-) I hope she doesn't come crashing down once everything has been sorted out, she looks so depressed, which in the circumstances is only to be expected. As usual i got a great big Paul crush when I left

On the way home, I decided to take the spooky route, which meant we stopped off at Cheerbrooks. I sat and remembered the last time I was there. It was with you, on a nice spring afternoon, we were looking at the pond. Remember?

I went back to work on Monday, and this week has been one bloody meeting after another. In some ways it has kept me occupied, and in others it has been a bother. Samm sent me a friend request on Facebook which I accepted, we had a little facebook chat as you do. She says that Barbara has pushed everyone away and is alone and bitter. Sadly I don't care. It was her choice. LM banned them from the funeral, Kelvin did ask about the arrangements, but she just ignored the message.

I got a new phone today, a Samsung galaxy S4, I rang your mobile and heard you say. hi this is Sharon, leave me a message. It was so nice to hear your voice. I got a colleague to delete your contact details after, I walked into my office and before I knew it great big tears were rolling down my face. I wasn't expecting that, I thought I was ready to do it. I can remember your mobile number anyway, after all, it was my mobile number for a long time before I gave it to you.

Well it's bedtime, so I must bring this letter to a close. I miss you my dear friend, it feels as if all our times together have disappeared, I know they will return, but you are not here to share them so they have faded into the mists for a bit. I hope you are well and happy, if you see my Mum tell her I love her. I will write to you soon.
Lots of Love
Me xxx

P.S Really pissed off with the company I sent your photos to, they have mounted it and chopped off some of your head, you look like an alien!!!