Monday, 4 May 2015

Letter 18

Dear Clank
It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. This doesn't mean I am not thinking about you, because I still do, a lot. A few weeks ago I had the loveliest dream about you and to cut a long story short it was the first dream where I didn't wake up with a start because you were there. You tucked me in and it was so nice and made me feel you were still around looking out for me. Things just lately, have been very stressful and I needed that contact. I am sure you knew that. 

I am off to Turkey in a few days. It's been a while since I did that. 17 years to be exact. I bet things have changed drastically, being 4 stone heavier for one. I think it will be fun watching all those young girls doing the same as me all those years ago and being able to ogle the handsome men knowing I will be safe from their crafty ways. Lol. Been there done that. I am sure I will have some fun winding up the buggers. I need some sun, my vitamin D levels have dropped through my boots and it has made me feel very ill. I have made arrangements to see one of the the people I knew back then, but only one and not M. Apparently he is still a raging alcoholic without teeth now so I am told and a wife older than me. She must have some money and I am glad I wasn't that stupid.

Mumsey is ok. She wrote me a letter the other day which scared me a bit but it was only to tell me she has gone a bit deaf and not to phone as she can't hear anything. 

Old bathbun is still going but now  struggles and I have had to make arrangements for Elizabeth to stay with him.  

Well that is my update. Miss you dear friend. Love ya lots
Me xx
Me xxx

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Letter 17

Dear Clank
On Friday, it will be a year since you left us. Sometimes I look back and think it has gone so quickly and at others I think time has passed so slowly. I play over and over in my mind the night as I left the hospital. I walked away knowing I would never see you again and it tore me apart. I said a silent thank you to the nurses and doctor as I passed by their desk, but I wanted to run screaming out to the exit. I had to put my hand over my mouth, it was 2.30am and other patients were sleeping. When I got back to your house I sat for ages in the garden in the dark smoking one cigarette after another, I knew you were struggling so I waited for a phone call. At 4.15 I decided to lay on the bed and just for 25 minutes I snoozed until the text came in from Little legs. It still hasn't really sunk in, even all this time later.

I miss you so much. I miss your smiling face, your mad sense of humour. It makes me long to go back to our teenage years and I can't do that. I find myself looking at places we went on holidays and feel sad as one of  the holiday places we stayed with your Mum and Dad in Devon is now derelict and waiting to be bulldozed. That was one of the funniest holidays we had. Riding bikes up that bloody steep hill, making your Mum go Mackerel fishing with us, the nutter on the beach who wouldn't stop talking to us so we told him he had better see to his wife as the rocks were slippery and she might fall over, so he skipped back to her shouting sarcastically 'Watch yourself darling you might slip' (I still swear that bloke was that mad T.V chef Keith Floyd)

A year is a long time to deal with the silence and the lack of Facebook comments and texts and chats. People say: Oh she is at peace now, she's not suffering anymore and for that I am glad but I want you to have all those things, here with us. I know we can't have that. Mumsey is going to go to Blackpool on your anniversary on Friday with Little legs, Paul and Samm to keep their minds on something else. I will be going up to see her the following weekend. I am dreading being in Crewe. I loved going up there and now I hate it. I am not religious, but I long for a sign to show you are still around. As Friday draws nearer I am sleeping less and less. I hope you are with Angels but I wish they would bring you back to see us now and again............................

Lots of love

Monday, 13 January 2014

Letter 15

Dear Clank
Mumsey is in hospital, Samm has come to the rescue by staying with Paul while little legs goes to work. I phoned them today, she says she feels much better and LM seems to think this has given her some of her fight back. I hope so. She has mild heart failure and they are keeping her in to monitor the situation. I had to explain who I was, as the staff nurse was a bit frosty on the phone, but she went and spoke to her and then came back with a completely different attitude.

I was snooping around Facebook yesterday,  I came across a girl who used to be in my class, you know the one, she spent the first 6 months bullying me until she got a back handed punch during a geography class. We used to laughingly refer to her as one of the 'tasty' girls. Tall, slim, a mum who used to make sure she had the latest fashions. She doesn't look much different. Life seems to have been good to her. Bagged herself a man and is living in Malaysia working for the British consulate. I do regret not taking secretarial lessons, but by the time I has decided, there was no space left. Now I also regret all those days over Greengate park, in an academic sense, I will never regret the laughs we used to have. Most of those girls in our classes were so immature, we most certainly were a lot more mature than them by far. I remember once, that particular girl asking if I would ever let a bloke 'touch my tit' and when I said yes, (thinking about the future) she called me a slag. LOL, how times have changed, I bet she is getting a lot more than her tits felt these days. Hahahahahahaha. She may have been one of the 'tasty' girls, but she sure had a bulbous hooter.

I must tell you this, the other week I went to visit a friend, driving home with Kai I was coming along the A127 and there was a Mini pootling along in the outside lane doing about 50. The driver was going so slow, I ended up undertaking him on the inside lane, then as I approached the flyover I moved into the outside lane and  the mini caught up with me. I looked into my mirror and I swear, sitting there looking around was Mr M. My heart skipped a beat (Still? How ridiculous is that?)I was gazing so much I didn't notice the lights change. If that wasn't him, it was his double. He followed my car and then as I turned off for the flyover he took the lane for the roundabout. Made me feel a bit sad to be honest, Kai kept asking lots of questions and giggling.

My manager came to see me today, he wants me to reword my HERA scoring form. I bet he does, using too many words like 'strategic' may just give me a higher pay grade. He has tried to tell me it is about 'the type' of staff I manage, but I was given HERA guidelines by my union and seems that 'type' doesn't come into it. managing anyone over 2 people is considered a managers role. I have a great JD for the print services manager, who verbally boss man has agreed, is the most similar role to mine, and he is a grade 6. Time to battle, fed up with being shit on. Still look on the bright side, I only give a months notice if they don't upgrade me.

Anyway gorgeous friend, time to go and finish cooking the dinner. Love ya lots
Lots of Love
Me xxx
It's cottage pie minus the sloppy mash................................................

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Letter 14

Dear Clank
So this is the last night of 2013, I can't say I will be sad to see it go. In the scheme of things this has been an horrific year for me. I know, I know, you would tell me there is always someone worse off than me and I am sure you would be correct, but losing you has been horrific for me, your family and your friends.

I haven't made any new years resolutions, I never keep them anyway, but I hope for us, we, your family and I can start to come to terms better with your absence. I have let a lot of things slide since you went and I know that that is something you would hate to see. I promise, after tonight, I will try very hard to get on with living my life to the full, something you always did.

I have Kai here with me tonight. He has been naughty and Christine is struggling to cope. It is easier to just bring him here as on the whole he doesn't behave that way with me. It's sad that he will start the new year away from his family. I guess we will have to talk as I don't want this to be the shape of things to come.

Anyway my lovely, time to go. I plan on having a big fat drink tonight in your memory. Love and miss you always.
Lots of love

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Letter 13

Dear Clank
Were your ears burning today? I took Christine to go and see her Dad. I dropped her off first so she could have some time with him and her brothers and then took the kids over the forest. Kai took her to the door then came back to the car. As he did up his seat belt he said : Nan you wouldn't fancy him anymore. He is bald with a big fat belly. I had to laugh, out of the mouths of babes eh? He asked about you so I told him what had happened. I told him, you are more of a sister to me than my sister and I think about and miss you a lot. He isn't well himself, it is quite sad really. He is clean and tidy but the house has 4 men living in it so it isn't the cleanest place on earth, due to his ill health he can't do much and it is a shame to see him like that. He liked a clean house and I am sure he was doing it before. He has COPD, it is not nice to see, this is why I must get back on the electronic fags. Kai really loved Alex, Alex took him upstairs and was playing computer games with him, he also gave Kai 4 games.

So Christmas is upon us, your favorite time of year. This is the time that your family will think of you most. Lise is coming to stay with your Mum on Monday, they are saying nothing about Paul, so I can't tell you what is happening to him yet. I told your Mum I will call her on Christmas eve and speak to Lise then Christmas day I will leave them to console each other.

I have 2 weeks off of work, I have been counting the days since I came back from Wales 7 weeks ago. A very nice colleague left on Friday, they have treated her so badly and I fear it is the shape of things to come. 2 of the senior managers are leaving next year and they still haven't replaced Eddie. It is getting beyond a joke. I am just holding on till I am 55 then every year after that I am going to apply for VR. They will have to pay me my pension and although it won't be a lot, it will be a safety net which will allow me to work part time. I know I will not be able to do another 11 years there, it will drive me insane (that's normal for me, I hear you say)

I ordered a chocolate hamper from Thorntons last week. It was a £100 reduced to £50, but it didn't arrive, so I emailed  them. They called yesterday and said it was out for delivery on the 14th and the courier company would assume it was lost so have sent me out another of a higher value along with a complimentary box of chocolates. It is supposed to be here on Christmas eve, I sure hope so. But a result eh?

Anyway my lovely, I have to go, all I can do is wish you a happy Christmas wherever you are. I want you for Christmas, here and healthy but that won't happen I know. Love you lots and miss you, I think about you at least once a day.

Lots ofg Love
Me xxx
P.S They have built an extension on one of the houses at the back. My god, it was supposed to be a loft extension with a dormer, what he has done is remove the roof and put a chalet on the top of it, it is an eyesore and I have complained to the council. I truely hope they make him pull it down.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Letter 12

Dear Clank
So Christmas is approaching. Traditionally you were the first present I always bought, not for any reason other than you had a wish list that I could choose from which made it very easy. Now the heart break has really taken a grip.

I decided to look Mark Morgan up the other day and was shocked to discover that he too had died. A year ago. I don't recall you saying anything, I do wonder if you knew because surely that is something you would have mentioned. I just could not believe it and although I didn't know him, it really gave me a shock, I so hope he is up there looking out for you going to a rave or two.
Last weekend was very bad for me, I spent most of it crying somewhere where people wouldn't see me. I couldn't call your Mum because she is going through her own heartbreak. I did think that things would start to get better but instead they feel worse, we were supposed to grow old together. Time is passing and it is starting to depress me.

I went to see Depeche Mode the other evening, they were surprisingly good. The audience was full of people in my age group, some blokes with comb overs and it did make me smile. I saw that Elbow would be playing there in April so I did something brave and bought a ticket just for me. Hopefully I will have someone nice to sit next to. So long as they are not smelly I don't mind.

Well some significant news for you. I have given up smoking tobacco. I have been on electronic cigarettes for the last month now and am doing really well. I have smoked 2 cigarettes in all that time, I have really surprised myself. Do I feel any better? No actually, not health wise, but certainly pleased that I have stopped as I never thought I would be able to, so in that way, I do feel really good, but not smug. I don't care if people smoke around me and I will certainly never gloat evangelise like a certain person we know. Who, incidently seems to have dropped off the face of the earth where your mother is concerned, obviously no glory in that eh?

This post has been on draft for a long time so a quick catch up. I took your bauble over the cemetery yesterday. Oh god that was so very very hard. There were other people putting things on the 3 trees that they have there and I had to find a tree with no-one around it. As I placed your bauble on, the tears came thick and fast. It took me back to the night you were dying and your Mum was telling me how much you appreciated me putting a bauble on for your Dad every year and it dawned on me that I would be doing it for you this year too. At the time I wanted to scream and cry but had to hold myself in check as I knew you would be able to hear me. No such thing yesterday my lovely friend. I walked back to the car and had to sit until I could stop crying and see what I was doing. My Dad sat quietly beside me. I never thought I could feel so heartbroken and still be able to breathe. I spoke to your Mum after, I cried on the phone to her. Her with her own heartbreak and me crying down the phone. Putting that bauble on that tree feels so wrong and rotten.

Anyway Clank, time I got my bum in gear. The kitchen looks like a bomb has dropped in it. I am taking Christine to see her Dad next week. I will write and let you know how that goes. Love and miss you especially lots.
Lots of love
Me xxxxx