Sunday, 11 May 2014

Letter 17

Dear Clank
On Friday, it will be a year since you left us. Sometimes I look back and think it has gone so quickly and at others I think time has passed so slowly. I play over and over in my mind the night as I left the hospital. I walked away knowing I would never see you again and it tore me apart. I said a silent thank you to the nurses and doctor as I passed by their desk, but I wanted to run screaming out to the exit. I had to put my hand over my mouth, it was 2.30am and other patients were sleeping. When I got back to your house I sat for ages in the garden in the dark smoking one cigarette after another, I knew you were struggling so I waited for a phone call. At 4.15 I decided to lay on the bed and just for 25 minutes I snoozed until the text came in from Little legs. It still hasn't really sunk in, even all this time later.

I miss you so much. I miss your smiling face, your mad sense of humour. It makes me long to go back to our teenage years and I can't do that. I find myself looking at places we went on holidays and feel sad as one of  the holiday places we stayed with your Mum and Dad in Devon is now derelict and waiting to be bulldozed. That was one of the funniest holidays we had. Riding bikes up that bloody steep hill, making your Mum go Mackerel fishing with us, the nutter on the beach who wouldn't stop talking to us so we told him he had better see to his wife as the rocks were slippery and she might fall over, so he skipped back to her shouting sarcastically 'Watch yourself darling you might slip' (I still swear that bloke was that mad T.V chef Keith Floyd)

A year is a long time to deal with the silence and the lack of Facebook comments and texts and chats. People say: Oh she is at peace now, she's not suffering anymore and for that I am glad but I want you to have all those things, here with us. I know we can't have that. Mumsey is going to go to Blackpool on your anniversary on Friday with Little legs, Paul and Samm to keep their minds on something else. I will be going up to see her the following weekend. I am dreading being in Crewe. I loved going up there and now I hate it. I am not religious, but I long for a sign to show you are still around. As Friday draws nearer I am sleeping less and less. I hope you are with Angels but I wish they would bring you back to see us now and again............................

Lots of love

Monday, 13 January 2014

Letter 15

Dear Clank
Mumsey is in hospital, Samm has come to the rescue by staying with Paul while little legs goes to work. I phoned them today, she says she feels much better and LM seems to think this has given her some of her fight back. I hope so. She has mild heart failure and they are keeping her in to monitor the situation. I had to explain who I was, as the staff nurse was a bit frosty on the phone, but she went and spoke to her and then came back with a completely different attitude.

I was snooping around Facebook yesterday,  I came across a girl who used to be in my class, you know the one, she spent the first 6 months bullying me until she got a back handed punch during a geography class. We used to laughingly refer to her as one of the 'tasty' girls. Tall, slim, a mum who used to make sure she had the latest fashions. She doesn't look much different. Life seems to have been good to her. Bagged herself a man and is living in Malaysia working for the British consulate. I do regret not taking secretarial lessons, but by the time I has decided, there was no space left. Now I also regret all those days over Greengate park, in an academic sense, I will never regret the laughs we used to have. Most of those girls in our classes were so immature, we most certainly were a lot more mature than them by far. I remember once, that particular girl asking if I would ever let a bloke 'touch my tit' and when I said yes, (thinking about the future) she called me a slag. LOL, how times have changed, I bet she is getting a lot more than her tits felt these days. Hahahahahahaha. She may have been one of the 'tasty' girls, but she sure had a bulbous hooter.

I must tell you this, the other week I went to visit a friend, driving home with Kai I was coming along the A127 and there was a Mini pootling along in the outside lane doing about 50. The driver was going so slow, I ended up undertaking him on the inside lane, then as I approached the flyover I moved into the outside lane and  the mini caught up with me. I looked into my mirror and I swear, sitting there looking around was Mr M. My heart skipped a beat (Still? How ridiculous is that?)I was gazing so much I didn't notice the lights change. If that wasn't him, it was his double. He followed my car and then as I turned off for the flyover he took the lane for the roundabout. Made me feel a bit sad to be honest, Kai kept asking lots of questions and giggling.

My manager came to see me today, he wants me to reword my HERA scoring form. I bet he does, using too many words like 'strategic' may just give me a higher pay grade. He has tried to tell me it is about 'the type' of staff I manage, but I was given HERA guidelines by my union and seems that 'type' doesn't come into it. managing anyone over 2 people is considered a managers role. I have a great JD for the print services manager, who verbally boss man has agreed, is the most similar role to mine, and he is a grade 6. Time to battle, fed up with being shit on. Still look on the bright side, I only give a months notice if they don't upgrade me.

Anyway gorgeous friend, time to go and finish cooking the dinner. Love ya lots
Lots of Love
Me xxx
It's cottage pie minus the sloppy mash................................................