Sunday, 15 December 2013

Letter 12

Dear Clank
So Christmas is approaching. Traditionally you were the first present I always bought, not for any reason other than you had a wish list that I could choose from which made it very easy. Now the heart break has really taken a grip.

I decided to look Mark Morgan up the other day and was shocked to discover that he too had died. A year ago. I don't recall you saying anything, I do wonder if you knew because surely that is something you would have mentioned. I just could not believe it and although I didn't know him, it really gave me a shock, I so hope he is up there looking out for you going to a rave or two.
Last weekend was very bad for me, I spent most of it crying somewhere where people wouldn't see me. I couldn't call your Mum because she is going through her own heartbreak. I did think that things would start to get better but instead they feel worse, we were supposed to grow old together. Time is passing and it is starting to depress me.

I went to see Depeche Mode the other evening, they were surprisingly good. The audience was full of people in my age group, some blokes with comb overs and it did make me smile. I saw that Elbow would be playing there in April so I did something brave and bought a ticket just for me. Hopefully I will have someone nice to sit next to. So long as they are not smelly I don't mind.

Well some significant news for you. I have given up smoking tobacco. I have been on electronic cigarettes for the last month now and am doing really well. I have smoked 2 cigarettes in all that time, I have really surprised myself. Do I feel any better? No actually, not health wise, but certainly pleased that I have stopped as I never thought I would be able to, so in that way, I do feel really good, but not smug. I don't care if people smoke around me and I will certainly never gloat evangelise like a certain person we know. Who, incidently seems to have dropped off the face of the earth where your mother is concerned, obviously no glory in that eh?

This post has been on draft for a long time so a quick catch up. I took your bauble over the cemetery yesterday. Oh god that was so very very hard. There were other people putting things on the 3 trees that they have there and I had to find a tree with no-one around it. As I placed your bauble on, the tears came thick and fast. It took me back to the night you were dying and your Mum was telling me how much you appreciated me putting a bauble on for your Dad every year and it dawned on me that I would be doing it for you this year too. At the time I wanted to scream and cry but had to hold myself in check as I knew you would be able to hear me. No such thing yesterday my lovely friend. I walked back to the car and had to sit until I could stop crying and see what I was doing. My Dad sat quietly beside me. I never thought I could feel so heartbroken and still be able to breathe. I spoke to your Mum after, I cried on the phone to her. Her with her own heartbreak and me crying down the phone. Putting that bauble on that tree feels so wrong and rotten.

Anyway Clank, time I got my bum in gear. The kitchen looks like a bomb has dropped in it. I am taking Christine to see her Dad next week. I will write and let you know how that goes. Love and miss you especially lots.
Lots of love
Me xxxxx

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