Sunday, 11 May 2014

Letter 17

Dear Clank
On Friday, it will be a year since you left us. Sometimes I look back and think it has gone so quickly and at others I think time has passed so slowly. I play over and over in my mind the night as I left the hospital. I walked away knowing I would never see you again and it tore me apart. I said a silent thank you to the nurses and doctor as I passed by their desk, but I wanted to run screaming out to the exit. I had to put my hand over my mouth, it was 2.30am and other patients were sleeping. When I got back to your house I sat for ages in the garden in the dark smoking one cigarette after another, I knew you were struggling so I waited for a phone call. At 4.15 I decided to lay on the bed and just for 25 minutes I snoozed until the text came in from Little legs. It still hasn't really sunk in, even all this time later.

I miss you so much. I miss your smiling face, your mad sense of humour. It makes me long to go back to our teenage years and I can't do that. I find myself looking at places we went on holidays and feel sad as one of  the holiday places we stayed with your Mum and Dad in Devon is now derelict and waiting to be bulldozed. That was one of the funniest holidays we had. Riding bikes up that bloody steep hill, making your Mum go Mackerel fishing with us, the nutter on the beach who wouldn't stop talking to us so we told him he had better see to his wife as the rocks were slippery and she might fall over, so he skipped back to her shouting sarcastically 'Watch yourself darling you might slip' (I still swear that bloke was that mad T.V chef Keith Floyd)

A year is a long time to deal with the silence and the lack of Facebook comments and texts and chats. People say: Oh she is at peace now, she's not suffering anymore and for that I am glad but I want you to have all those things, here with us. I know we can't have that. Mumsey is going to go to Blackpool on your anniversary on Friday with Little legs, Paul and Samm to keep their minds on something else. I will be going up to see her the following weekend. I am dreading being in Crewe. I loved going up there and now I hate it. I am not religious, but I long for a sign to show you are still around. As Friday draws nearer I am sleeping less and less. I hope you are with Angels but I wish they would bring you back to see us now and again............................

Lots of love