Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Letter 14

Dear Clank
So this is the last night of 2013, I can't say I will be sad to see it go. In the scheme of things this has been an horrific year for me. I know, I know, you would tell me there is always someone worse off than me and I am sure you would be correct, but losing you has been horrific for me, your family and your friends.

I haven't made any new years resolutions, I never keep them anyway, but I hope for us, we, your family and I can start to come to terms better with your absence. I have let a lot of things slide since you went and I know that that is something you would hate to see. I promise, after tonight, I will try very hard to get on with living my life to the full, something you always did.

I have Kai here with me tonight. He has been naughty and Christine is struggling to cope. It is easier to just bring him here as on the whole he doesn't behave that way with me. It's sad that he will start the new year away from his family. I guess we will have to talk as I don't want this to be the shape of things to come.

Anyway my lovely, time to go. I plan on having a big fat drink tonight in your memory. Love and miss you always.
Lots of love

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Letter 13

Dear Clank
Were your ears burning today? I took Christine to go and see her Dad. I dropped her off first so she could have some time with him and her brothers and then took the kids over the forest. Kai took her to the door then came back to the car. As he did up his seat belt he said : Nan you wouldn't fancy him anymore. He is bald with a big fat belly. I had to laugh, out of the mouths of babes eh? He asked about you so I told him what had happened. I told him, you are more of a sister to me than my sister and I think about and miss you a lot. He isn't well himself, it is quite sad really. He is clean and tidy but the house has 4 men living in it so it isn't the cleanest place on earth, due to his ill health he can't do much and it is a shame to see him like that. He liked a clean house and I am sure he was doing it before. He has COPD, it is not nice to see, this is why I must get back on the electronic fags. Kai really loved Alex, Alex took him upstairs and was playing computer games with him, he also gave Kai 4 games.

So Christmas is upon us, your favorite time of year. This is the time that your family will think of you most. Lise is coming to stay with your Mum on Monday, they are saying nothing about Paul, so I can't tell you what is happening to him yet. I told your Mum I will call her on Christmas eve and speak to Lise then Christmas day I will leave them to console each other.

I have 2 weeks off of work, I have been counting the days since I came back from Wales 7 weeks ago. A very nice colleague left on Friday, they have treated her so badly and I fear it is the shape of things to come. 2 of the senior managers are leaving next year and they still haven't replaced Eddie. It is getting beyond a joke. I am just holding on till I am 55 then every year after that I am going to apply for VR. They will have to pay me my pension and although it won't be a lot, it will be a safety net which will allow me to work part time. I know I will not be able to do another 11 years there, it will drive me insane (that's normal for me, I hear you say)

I ordered a chocolate hamper from Thorntons last week. It was a £100 reduced to £50, but it didn't arrive, so I emailed  them. They called yesterday and said it was out for delivery on the 14th and the courier company would assume it was lost so have sent me out another of a higher value along with a complimentary box of chocolates. It is supposed to be here on Christmas eve, I sure hope so. But a result eh?

Anyway my lovely, I have to go, all I can do is wish you a happy Christmas wherever you are. I want you for Christmas, here and healthy but that won't happen I know. Love you lots and miss you, I think about you at least once a day.

Lots ofg Love
Me xxx
P.S They have built an extension on one of the houses at the back. My god, it was supposed to be a loft extension with a dormer, what he has done is remove the roof and put a chalet on the top of it, it is an eyesore and I have complained to the council. I truely hope they make him pull it down.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Letter 12

Dear Clank
So Christmas is approaching. Traditionally you were the first present I always bought, not for any reason other than you had a wish list that I could choose from which made it very easy. Now the heart break has really taken a grip.

I decided to look Mark Morgan up the other day and was shocked to discover that he too had died. A year ago. I don't recall you saying anything, I do wonder if you knew because surely that is something you would have mentioned. I just could not believe it and although I didn't know him, it really gave me a shock, I so hope he is up there looking out for you going to a rave or two.
Last weekend was very bad for me, I spent most of it crying somewhere where people wouldn't see me. I couldn't call your Mum because she is going through her own heartbreak. I did think that things would start to get better but instead they feel worse, we were supposed to grow old together. Time is passing and it is starting to depress me.

I went to see Depeche Mode the other evening, they were surprisingly good. The audience was full of people in my age group, some blokes with comb overs and it did make me smile. I saw that Elbow would be playing there in April so I did something brave and bought a ticket just for me. Hopefully I will have someone nice to sit next to. So long as they are not smelly I don't mind.

Well some significant news for you. I have given up smoking tobacco. I have been on electronic cigarettes for the last month now and am doing really well. I have smoked 2 cigarettes in all that time, I have really surprised myself. Do I feel any better? No actually, not health wise, but certainly pleased that I have stopped as I never thought I would be able to, so in that way, I do feel really good, but not smug. I don't care if people smoke around me and I will certainly never gloat evangelise like a certain person we know. Who, incidently seems to have dropped off the face of the earth where your mother is concerned, obviously no glory in that eh?

This post has been on draft for a long time so a quick catch up. I took your bauble over the cemetery yesterday. Oh god that was so very very hard. There were other people putting things on the 3 trees that they have there and I had to find a tree with no-one around it. As I placed your bauble on, the tears came thick and fast. It took me back to the night you were dying and your Mum was telling me how much you appreciated me putting a bauble on for your Dad every year and it dawned on me that I would be doing it for you this year too. At the time I wanted to scream and cry but had to hold myself in check as I knew you would be able to hear me. No such thing yesterday my lovely friend. I walked back to the car and had to sit until I could stop crying and see what I was doing. My Dad sat quietly beside me. I never thought I could feel so heartbroken and still be able to breathe. I spoke to your Mum after, I cried on the phone to her. Her with her own heartbreak and me crying down the phone. Putting that bauble on that tree feels so wrong and rotten.

Anyway Clank, time I got my bum in gear. The kitchen looks like a bomb has dropped in it. I am taking Christine to see her Dad next week. I will write and let you know how that goes. Love and miss you especially lots.
Lots of love
Me xxxxx