It's been a long time since I have written you a letter. I am really struggling to get my head around the fact that I will no longer see or hear you again.
I have just come back from Wales which was the last place I saw you looking fit and healthy. When I walked into the place I cried and spoke to you. It was a very happy day as I remember, we laid out a buffet and had a good old gossip, while the dogs ran around outside. I stood in the kitchen this time and remembered that day in detail and then I smelt cigarette smoke and thought, oh dear the previous people have been smoking in here. I went up to the bathroom and smelt smoke up there too, then Sue and Paul arrived and Paul smelt cigarette smoke. When Annette came over to say hello, I asked her about the previous guests and asked if they had been smoking in the barn and she said, no, they weren't smokers. Later on we got to talking about you and Annette asked me if you smoked, she suggested that maybe you had come to visit. I really hoped you had.
It wasn't a bad holiday, the weather was really lovely. On your birthday I drove over to the Elan Valley and released a balloon, a big red, shiny heart. We had dire warnings from the balloon police, sometimes I wish Susan would keep her mouth shut, she would only need to know if it would be inflated the next day, but no, she gave all the details so the balloon police told us we would not be able to release the balloon because it was 'illegal'. Well bollox to that, off we went and up it went then got blown sideways. I hope you saw it.
Then I had to go over to Crewe. I have found that it has really unsettled me. Christine put her finger on it straight away. All the time I am in London I can still think of you as being in Crewe, but when I am in Crewe I have to face the fact that you are gone. No trips to the Shroppie fly, Snugbury's or Cheerbrooks. No little inpromptu visits or Chinese takeaways. Little legs gave me the letters you kept that I sent while you were in hospital, that was very emotional for me, knowing that you kept them. She also gave me back the bracelet I bought you. It needs a good clean but I am so grateful for those things, I have put them in a treasure box. I also saw the most beautiful rainbow on my way over. I saw through it as I drove along the road. I heard knocking during the night, then last night I had a lovely dream about Kroppen. He gave me a huge hug and I would like to think these are all signs that you are still with me. I miss you so much dear friend, sometimes I just can't see the way forward. You were the only person who knew me like I know myself and it hurts to know that no one will ever be able to do that again.
Lots of Love