Letter 14

Dear Clank
So this is the last night of 2013, I can't say I will be sad to see it go. In the scheme of things this has been an horrific year for me. I know, I know, you would tell me there is always someone worse off than me and I am sure you would be correct, but losing you has been horrific for me, your family and your friends.

I haven't made any new years resolutions, I never keep them anyway, but I hope for us, we, your family and I can start to come to terms better with your absence. I have let a lot of things slide since you went and I know that that is something you would hate to see. I promise, after tonight, I will try very hard to get on with living my life to the full, something you always did.

I have Kai here with me tonight. He has been naughty and Christine is struggling to cope. It is easier to just bring him here as on the whole he doesn't behave that way with me. It's sad that he will start the new year away from his family. I guess we will have to talk as I don't want this to be the shape of things to come.

Anyway my lovely, time to go. I plan on having a big fat drink tonight in your memory. Love and miss you always.
Lots of love
Me
xxx

Letter 13

Dear Clank
Were your ears burning today? I took Christine to go and see her Dad. I dropped her off first so she could have some time with him and her brothers and then took the kids over the forest. Kai took her to the door then came back to the car. As he did up his seat belt he said : Nan you wouldn't fancy him anymore. He is bald with a big fat belly. I had to laugh, out of the mouths of babes eh? He asked about you so I told him what had happened. I told him, you are more of a sister to me than my sister and I think about and miss you a lot. He isn't well himself, it is quite sad really. He is clean and tidy but the house has 4 men living in it so it isn't the cleanest place on earth, due to his ill health he can't do much and it is a shame to see him like that. He liked a clean house and I am sure he was doing it before. He has COPD, it is not nice to see, this is why I must get back on the electronic fags. Kai really loved Alex, Alex took him upstairs and was playing computer games with him, he also gave Kai 4 games.

So Christmas is upon us, your favorite time of year. This is the time that your family will think of you most. Lise is coming to stay with your Mum on Monday, they are saying nothing about Paul, so I can't tell you what is happening to him yet. I told your Mum I will call her on Christmas eve and speak to Lise then Christmas day I will leave them to console each other.

I have 2 weeks off of work, I have been counting the days since I came back from Wales 7 weeks ago. A very nice colleague left on Friday, they have treated her so badly and I fear it is the shape of things to come. 2 of the senior managers are leaving next year and they still haven't replaced Eddie. It is getting beyond a joke. I am just holding on till I am 55 then every year after that I am going to apply for VR. They will have to pay me my pension and although it won't be a lot, it will be a safety net which will allow me to work part time. I know I will not be able to do another 11 years there, it will drive me insane (that's normal for me, I hear you say)

I ordered a chocolate hamper from Thorntons last week. It was a £100 reduced to £50, but it didn't arrive, so I emailed  them. They called yesterday and said it was out for delivery on the 14th and the courier company would assume it was lost so have sent me out another of a higher value along with a complimentary box of chocolates. It is supposed to be here on Christmas eve, I sure hope so. But a result eh?

Anyway my lovely, I have to go, all I can do is wish you a happy Christmas wherever you are. I want you for Christmas, here and healthy but that won't happen I know. Love you lots and miss you, I think about you at least once a day.

Lots ofg Love
Me xxx
P.S They have built an extension on one of the houses at the back. My god, it was supposed to be a loft extension with a dormer, what he has done is remove the roof and put a chalet on the top of it, it is an eyesore and I have complained to the council. I truely hope they make him pull it down.

Letter 12

Dear Clank
So Christmas is approaching. Traditionally you were the first present I always bought, not for any reason other than you had a wish list that I could choose from which made it very easy. Now the heart break has really taken a grip.

I decided to look Mark Morgan up the other day and was shocked to discover that he too had died. A year ago. I don't recall you saying anything, I do wonder if you knew because surely that is something you would have mentioned. I just could not believe it and although I didn't know him, it really gave me a shock, I so hope he is up there looking out for you going to a rave or two.
Last weekend was very bad for me, I spent most of it crying somewhere where people wouldn't see me. I couldn't call your Mum because she is going through her own heartbreak. I did think that things would start to get better but instead they feel worse, we were supposed to grow old together. Time is passing and it is starting to depress me.

I went to see Depeche Mode the other evening, they were surprisingly good. The audience was full of people in my age group, some blokes with comb overs and it did make me smile. I saw that Elbow would be playing there in April so I did something brave and bought a ticket just for me. Hopefully I will have someone nice to sit next to. So long as they are not smelly I don't mind.

Well some significant news for you. I have given up smoking tobacco. I have been on electronic cigarettes for the last month now and am doing really well. I have smoked 2 cigarettes in all that time, I have really surprised myself. Do I feel any better? No actually, not health wise, but certainly pleased that I have stopped as I never thought I would be able to, so in that way, I do feel really good, but not smug. I don't care if people smoke around me and I will certainly never gloat evangelise like a certain person we know. Who, incidently seems to have dropped off the face of the earth where your mother is concerned, obviously no glory in that eh?

This post has been on draft for a long time so a quick catch up. I took your bauble over the cemetery yesterday. Oh god that was so very very hard. There were other people putting things on the 3 trees that they have there and I had to find a tree with no-one around it. As I placed your bauble on, the tears came thick and fast. It took me back to the night you were dying and your Mum was telling me how much you appreciated me putting a bauble on for your Dad every year and it dawned on me that I would be doing it for you this year too. At the time I wanted to scream and cry but had to hold myself in check as I knew you would be able to hear me. No such thing yesterday my lovely friend. I walked back to the car and had to sit until I could stop crying and see what I was doing. My Dad sat quietly beside me. I never thought I could feel so heartbroken and still be able to breathe. I spoke to your Mum after, I cried on the phone to her. Her with her own heartbreak and me crying down the phone. Putting that bauble on that tree feels so wrong and rotten.

Anyway Clank, time I got my bum in gear. The kitchen looks like a bomb has dropped in it. I am taking Christine to see her Dad next week. I will write and let you know how that goes. Love and miss you especially lots.
Lots of love
Me xxxxx

Letter 11

Dear Clank
I went to a surprise 80th birthday party the other week in Plumstead. I drove over as I was taking Christine and she isn't doing public transport at the moment. That side of the river has changed a lot, and we had a fantastic night. On the way home I decided to go via Griffin road. That brought out a turmoil of emotions. I stopped at the church that was on the corner along from Barbara's old house and thought about all the weekends we had walked that road to go and see Barbara and then back again to catch the bus to Woolwich.
I told Christine about the night we met Steve Steadman and Dave Cammack on the way to the ferry. She doesn't really know much about that and I explained that Woolwich on a Saturday was a hot place to pull and that most of the blokes we met were all good clean fun. Young men who had just joined the army who were probably home sick and wondering what they had let themselves in for. That group of blokes went past asking for our chips and we gave them the brush off, then when they were almost at the end of the road Barbara screamed at the top of her lungs:' OYE Want a chip?'  and about 20 blokes did an about turn and ran back up the road towards us. LOL. I think at one point we had about 2 blokes on each arm and then they whittled down to just Dave and Steve.

It is still hard but I am coming to terms with you not being here, but not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I had a dream about you the other night, I was holding your hand and promising that I would look out for your Mum and kids, and I do as best as I can. Not being close physically doesn't help, but I am going to make the effort to go to see your Mum before Christmas and spend a bit of quality time with her. She is struggling with Paul not getting any money and the thought that he may be going to Norway after Christmas. The doctor is worried about her heart, it is beating too fast, but any fool can see that it is just plain broken.

I was talking to an old colleague the other day and I told her that you had died, she reminded me of a conversation we had in the office once when I was telling Christine that you were the only person who knew me like I know myself. I don't like being the only person who knows me truely for who I am.

Dad is being awkward, he made me laugh the other day, I asked if he had heard from the insurance company about when they were likely to sort out the subsidence, I asked him about a form he had been sent and whether he had filled it in and returned it. I got this sheepish look so I said: ' Oh silly me, fancy forgetting that if you ignore the form, the cracks will just mend themselves.' He appreciates sarcasm. I got the form, read it, filled it in them made him write a cheque for the excess, which he said he didn't know how much it was, but I told him it was on his policy. So now we wait, I am hoping they will tell him the kitchen needs to be gutted. Oh how I want them to destroy that awful kitchen.............

The weather has turned. We have had such a beautiful summer, you would have loved it. health allowing, you would have been able to spend a lot of time outside. I am gutted that you missed it. Now winter and the dark evenings draw upon us and it's time to get my winter woolies out of the wardrobe.

Anyway my lovely, time for me to go and get on with the dinner. I miss you dear friend and sometimes I wish I had a magic wand to bring you back and make it all better. How popular would I be if I could?!!

Lots Of Love
Me xx
P.S I have had an awful virus, been off work for 4 days, but it is back to the grind tomorrow.

Letter 10

Dear Clank
It's been a long time since I have written you a letter. I am really struggling to get my head around the fact that I will no longer see or hear you again.

I have just come back from Wales which was the last place I saw you looking fit and healthy. When I walked into the place I cried and spoke to you. It was a very happy day as I remember, we laid out a buffet and had a good old gossip, while the dogs ran around outside. I stood in the kitchen this time and remembered that day in detail and then I smelt cigarette smoke and thought, oh dear the previous people have been smoking in here. I went up to the bathroom and smelt smoke up there too, then Sue and Paul arrived and Paul smelt cigarette smoke. When Annette came over to say hello, I asked her about the previous guests and asked if they had been smoking in the barn and she said, no, they weren't smokers. Later on we got to talking about you and Annette asked me if you smoked, she suggested that maybe you had come to visit. I really hoped you had.

It wasn't a bad holiday, the weather was really lovely. On your birthday I drove over to the Elan Valley and released a balloon, a big red, shiny heart. We had dire warnings from the balloon police, sometimes I wish Susan would keep her mouth shut, she would only need to know if it would be inflated the next day, but no, she gave all the details so the balloon police told us we would not be able to release the balloon because it was 'illegal'. Well bollox to that, off we went and up it went then got blown sideways. I hope you saw it.

Then I had to go over to Crewe. I have found that it has really unsettled me. Christine put her finger on it straight away. All the time I am in London I can still think of you as being in Crewe, but when I am in Crewe I have to face the fact that you are gone. No trips to the Shroppie fly, Snugbury's or Cheerbrooks. No little inpromptu visits or Chinese takeaways. Little legs gave me the letters you kept that I sent while you were in hospital, that was very emotional for me, knowing that you kept them. She also gave me back the bracelet I bought you. It needs a good clean but I am so grateful for those things, I have put them in a treasure box. I also saw the most beautiful rainbow on my way over. I saw through it as I drove along the road. I heard knocking during the night, then last night I had a lovely dream about Kroppen. He gave me a huge hug and I would like to think these are all signs that you are still with me. I miss you so much dear friend, sometimes I just can't see the way forward. You were the only person who knew me like I know myself and it hurts to know that no one will ever be able to do that again.

Lots of Love
Me
xxx

Letter 9

Dear Clank

I have just had a nice weekend with Gill. I love her house, tucked away in a little hamlet and the view from the conservatory across the garden and fields beyond is fantastic, I will definitely be going back there again. She wasn't very well over the weekend, but she slept and it gave me a bit of time to chill and relax. I left hers at about 11am yesterday as it was her birthday and I thought it would be nice for her to have some time with her family. We went to a marina open day on Saturday, OMG it was so quiet, there was hardly anyone there and no nice boats for sale.

I was looking at Google earth the other day and decided to look at Konnerud. The first place I saw was Poppegardsveien. That was the first place I ever visited you in Norway. What a gorgeous house it was. Until then I had never realised just how big Norwegian houses were. The landing was as large as my whole flat!! The kids were little and you had that lovely big balcony from your bedroom and around the living room. I got into polishing your table with that bees wax polish. We used to take Cinders out walking with us. Remember how she used to go off and forage in the forest and then come out and meow when she couldn't see us? Then you would call her and she would come trotting up the road after us. She has those lovely little grey kittens with the ginger patches. I loved it there. I zoomed in on Google earth and tried to find the house and after a while there it was. It looks so different from how I remember it, much more built up. The forest that was up the road has definitely gone. Happy days.................................

I am leaning towards selling the house more and more. I just do not want the responsibility of owning it anymore. A part of me is holding back, but I have no idea what is happening here at work and I just feel the need to move on and use my money for something else. I think if we are outsourced or made redundant, I will definitely put it on the market and look to go temping. I have learned over the years the more you are shit at your job, the more you are liked for it.

I have been a bit of a social butterfly this week, I was out with Ruth Wednesday and Tina Thursday. Both of those friends I met in Turkey. You know I don't take to people easily, but they have been friends for the last 15 years. I am off out tonight with Linda, who came on the boat with us last time? She has taken retirement and has just lost her step daughter to cancer. We'll go for an Indian I suppose.

Spoke to Mumsey yesterday, she was stressing about social services coming and on the morning of the appointment they cancelled. She had too many appointments apparently. I don't think Paul will be going to Norway any time soon. It is good to have a chat with her and she said that her neighbour Ivy came over and that they spent the afternoon together. I am really happy she has done that.

Anyway, that's it for today. I will write to you soon.
Lots of Love
Me xxx

P.S I have really missed you this week. I am starting to feel the strain now. Love ya

Letter 8

Dear Clank

Well thank god it's Friday, I noticed the other day, coming into work, that I am on autopilot. The weeks fly by, I mean it's July in a few weeks time and then after that, clearing starts all over again. Things are not looking good here, I can tell you that. Admissions are down, the calls are down. Switchboard is always the first to notice. I have a sneaking suspicion that we are being looked at as a means of outsourcing. Fuck 'em I say. We also generate some income so they won't be saving as much as they think they will. Still no-one has approached us about Eddies job. They intend to replace him but if that's the case they better start advertisng soon as neither Steve nor I intend to take on any of his work. Make a mug of me once, shame on them. Make a mug of me twice, shame on me.

The other good thing about Friday, is it is takeaway night. I love being able to get home and just order something on the phone and then chill, although tonight, I will be doing a bit of housework as I will be at Gills tomorrow until Sunday. Someone else to do the cooking, lovely, I hope she can cook!!

Spoke to Mumsey last night. She said she will never go along Victoria avenue again. Like me, you loved driving through the tunnel of trees in the summer. I must admit, the thought of going back to the house does make my stomach feel a bit wobbly, I will have to one day though, if I sell it I will need to clear out the shed and get my stuff from storage. I have such lovely memories of going home at weekends and driving off somewhere with you. Snugbury's, Bunbury, Cheerbrooks, Chester. Do you remember the night when your Mum was living with you and we went out for a Chinese. You were so desperate for some time away from your Mum that we drove almost to Wrexham and pulled over in a layby and just sat in the dark smoking a fag. Then drove over to Bunbury and giggled in the dark about the time I got my wing mirror 'knocked off'. Mmmmmm where was it we drove when I hired that car? Somewhere in Wales, the destination
escapes me. I remember being stuck in traffic on the way back and skidding on that tiny oil patch. Good job we were only going slowly. For some reason, I also remember us going to Snugburys and you getting really arsey with the girl because you couldn't have a double scoop on on of their little cones. LOL

I feel ok most of the time, then a little comment or something brings me back to reality. The human psyche really does a lot to protect itself doesn't it? Most of the time is spent in denial. I was talking to another friend about it. She thinks that the distance (in miles) has a lot to do with it. Her brother was living in New Zealand when he died, she says most of the time she feels great, then a little thing will start her off.

I am worried about my Dad. He looked almost comatosed last night. He hardly touched his food. I sat there thinking, please please please don't you die on me as well. I really do think that would be the final straw. I can see him get older and older in his ways, and he seems to have really gone down hill this last year. I am forever asking him if he is alright and just he says: yes yes, I am fine.

Anyway my dear, it's time I got on with some stuff. I will write after I get back from Gills.
Lots of Love
Me xxx

P.S I don't think Shaun will be there. N N W W. LOL